A Million Paper Cuts
As I interviewed the women for my book, “Savvy Women: Gaining Ground at Work”, I realized that some of the ways women feel discriminated against are so subtle as to be hard to even bring up. Each small incident can seem petty, and complaining about it might make you look silly. But taken as a whole – as a million paper cuts – they can be very painful.
For example, When Connie was a dental hygienist, she worked for Dr. Maxwell, an older man with a string of ex-wives and a temperament to explain it. When a male technician came in to inspect the X-ray machine, the receptionist asked him to wait until the current patient was finished. Dr. Maxwell overheard it, and scolded her, “You do not keep Mr. Johnson waiting.” As he ushered the confused technician back to the exam room, Connie heard Dr. M say “I’ve got to keep these girls in line.” Though she should have been used to it by then, she still cringed when she heard him talk about his “girls”.
Often it’s not dramatic enough to be worth complaining about. Sometimes it just makes you crazy.
When I was an engineering manager, I stopped my Director in the hall for a discussion of a technical issue on a large program I was running. Deep into the discussion, he interrupted my sentence to say “Nice earrings.” It completely derailed my train of thought, and made me wonder if he was paying any attention to my technical discussion, or just checking me out.
Diana has encountered similar comments. In the midst of an intense conversation about the nuances of the law and the client, she was interrupted by her managing partner, who asked, “Did you change your hair?”
Jane, a recent Computer Science graduate, had noticed biases and inappropriate comments by her Senior Manager, and was concerned about how that would affect her ability to move ahead. He had recently said to her and her female manager, “I just love being able to say ‘the girls’ when I refer to your team. We’ve never had an all-girl team before.” He also told Jane that her predecessor was “just this little girl, but it turns out she really knew stuff.”
Since Jane is a petite young woman, she found it hard not to be offended by this comment. Why would a young woman with a Computer Science degree not be expected to “know stuff”?
Being referred to as a girl in the workplace can be very damaging, as it does not command the same respect as being called a woman. Somehow the impression is that you are a child, with child-like sensibilities and intelligence. You never hear men being called “boys” in the workplace.
As an affirmation of the Senior Manager’s bias, he recently told Jane and her manager, “I call the computer ‘she’, because she is so temperamental.”
It is difficult to know how to respond in these situations. How do you tell the Senior Manager he is being an ass? How do you get away from being called a girl by your coworkers and managers?
Sometimes it just takes a short conversation to correct a situation. Not everything requires a full-on battle. When I first started a job a while ago, I worked with an inside salesman who supported me while I was out in the field. We communicated regularly by phone, email, and messages. For the most part, we got along great. First I noticed he referred to the other sales operations staff as “the girls”, which I thought was a little disrespectful. I let it slide, thinking perhaps it was a generational thing, and the young women there might not mind it. When he started messaging me with “Hey Girly” and “Okay Girly”, however, I knew it had to stop.
“‘Girly’ is not going to work for me,” I messaged him.
“It’s a term of endearment,” he responded.
“No, sorry. I don’t like it.”
“What can I call you then?”
“How about my name? Or if that’s too long, my initials.”
“Okay, fine, ME.”
No blood was shed, and we continued to work well together without him calling me “Girly.”
