Do You Know Why Your Friends Are Successful?

A Deeper Level of Connection

How well do you know your family’s and friends’ challenges at work? Have they had to overcome the typical barriers for women in the workplace?

Consider the different friend groups you have – from high school to college to former colleagues, neighbors, your kids’ band boosters, or maybe your book club. Perhaps you have friends with a common interest – like I have with my jazz singing and jazz musician friends.

How often do you talk with them about what life is like for them as a woman in the workplace?

I know that with most of my friends, we connect on different levels. We talk about family and our relationships and share pictures of our children and grandchildren and dogs. My Facebook friends include folks I haven’t seen since high school, former colleagues, old neighbors, family, and a host of others I’ve met through the years. For some of them, I know what they ate for dinner last night, but I have no idea what they do for a living.

With my jazz singing friends, we talk about what songs we are working on, where we are performing, what workshops we are attending, and how great everyone sounds. In my book club, we sometimes go deeper if the book brings up challenging topics, but rarely do we discuss our work lives. At my Master Singers of Virginia rehearsals, we talk about loving the challenging music, how hard that one section of the Kyrie is, and briefly “how’s the family” type of updates.

At the family reunions we attend each year (except this one due to the coronavirus), I love visiting with my Mom and cousins and brothers and their families. It is great catching up on what’s happening with everyone – but rarely do we talk about work on more than a superficial level.

So What?

When I decided to write my book, You Have What it Takes: Success Strategies for Women at Work, I wanted to share the experiences of other women along with my own. I wanted to see if the challenges I had faced were universal, or unique. Or if the strategies and techniques I had developed to navigate past obstacles were similar to those others had used.

Learning about the experiences, successes, and challenges of the women I profiled in my book connected me in new ways to my community.

I connected with 11 amazing women in a variety of typically male-dominated professions who were generous enough to share their stories with me. I spoke with lawyers, engineers, marketing and computer IT professionals, and Human Resources professionals at government contractors and automotive sales companies. These women encountered all sorts of obstacles. Valerie was fired because she wouldn’t sleep with the boss. Judy and I lost promotions due to being working mothers. Becky was demoted because the new VP was threatened by her knowledge and connections. And the list goes on.

We have all been challenged in our careers and have found ways to achieve success in spite of it. Success as we define it. Sometimes it’s not the straight path to the top we originally envisioned.

In my book, I share these powerful women’s stories and strategies and advice, along with my own. I believe it’s important to understand what others are encountering and learn from their successes – and their failures.

How much do you know about the women in your life?

You might think that the world has improved so much that women are treated equally in the workplace. You might be wrong. You might think you know a lot about your friends’ lives. But how much do you know about their experiences in the workplace?

Book Launch party!

A couple months ago, back when we could all get together in person, a dear friend of mine held a Book Launch party for me at her condo in DC. A dozen of my friends came out to support me and to talk about You Have What it Takes: Success Strategies for Women at Work. We had a blast!

It started in the usual way when we gals get together – lots of hugs and stories and laughter and food and wine. We have all been friends for years through our common love for jazz singing. All of us have taken jazz workshops, and we perform in various clubs in the area or support each other’s gigs.

Several of the women in the group had been early readers, providing feedback during the editing phase of my book. Others were new to the book, but excited to learn more about it and get their signed copy direct from the author!

After we had all eaten Darcy’s wonderful dinner, we gathered around the table to discuss the book. I gave an introduction, talking about why I wrote it and some of the ideas in the book. From there, everyone started to share their own stories.

I learned so much about these friends I had known for years.

Discussing the challenges we encounter in the workplace is serious business. We learned so much about each other.

I learned about Darcy’s experiences as President and co-founder of her consulting services firm, and how she gains the respect of the men and women working there.

I learned of the challenges of a couple of friends whose company cultures mimic foreign cultures where women are treated as inferior, and how they have to stand up for themselves to be heard.

We talked about the experiences of my friends in law, medicine, IT, engineering, marketing, and government. (I have amazingly smart and talented friends who are also great jazz singers!)

We discussed how each of us have navigated obstacles to find our way in our careers. Sometimes we fight back against injustices, sometimes we learn to play the game, or we change the game – changing jobs or careers when that makes more sense.

Some of us are still in the game – still striving to move forward in our careers. Some are retired, looking back on a successful life of achievement in spite of the challenges faced.

All of us can look with pride on what we have accomplished.

Opening up that conversation has led me to a new level of understanding and appreciation for these friends. By the end of the evening, we were all feeling more connected than ever.

Feeling the love of friendship among an amazing group of women!

Joining the Conversation

How can you create this type of conversation with your friends? If you are not in the habit of talking about work experiences, or reminiscing on your past challenges and successes, you may need some ideas to get started.

In my book, I share many stories along with lessons learned and tips for moving forward in your career. The stories of these women will resonate with many of you, and can trigger a more in-depth conversation about your own experiences. Certainly, sharing the book among friends or a book club is a great way to connect more deeply on common interests.

If you’re not up for the whole book, or you just want to see what it’s all about, download and read my Introduction and Chapter 1. In the Introduction, you will see what is included in the book, including real-life stories and some topics that could feed discussion. Chapter 1 talks about how successful women can become a threat to the status quo, and what can happen when that occurs.

A few ideas for discussion:

Have you been in a situation where you feel you are a threat to the status quo or to someone’s ego? How did others act around you, and how did you respond?
Are you more likely to fight back, play the game, or change the game when you encounter struggles?
Do you find yourself in a negative spiral at work, or can you keep things positive?
Have you had to pick yourself up after a defeat – in life or in work? How did you do that?
Have you ever experienced a toxic work environment – either blatantly negative, or those million paper cuts that add up to feeling disheartened? How did you deal with it?
Have you ever felt stuck in your career? What helped you to move forward?

I’m sure I could come up with dozens more questions, but you get the idea. Just start the conversation and see where it takes you. I promise, at the end you will feel more understanding, understood and connected with others.

Share your story

I would love to hear your story as well. Tell me how you have moved past barriers in your career. Or tell me how you are struggling now. Even if you have had nothing but smooth sailing – how refreshing that would be to hear!

Send me your stories, and let me know if it’s okay to share them with others on this blog. We can build a community of women supporting each other.